- Know the meaning and importance of self-control
- Learn strategies to develop and improve self-control
- Know the meaning and importance of assertiveness
- Understand how assertiveness differs from passiveness and aggressiveness
- Learn strategies to develop assertiveness
Emotional Intelligence (EI) has two broad domains:
| Domain | Components | Focus |
|---|---|---|
| Intrapersonal Intelligence | Self-Awareness + Self-Management | Understanding and managing your own emotions |
| Interpersonal Intelligence | Social Awareness + Relationship Management | Understanding and managing emotions in relationships |
Units 5 and 6 focus on intrapersonal intelligence — the starting point. As the Mother (Sri Aurobindo Ashram) says: "First learn to know yourself perfectly and then to control yourself perfectly."
Intra-personal management includes four skills: emotional self-control, assertiveness, self-regard, and self-actualization. This unit covers the first two.
The story of the woman who dropped a pot on the mongoose — without realising it had saved her baby from a snake — illustrates what happens when intense emotions take over: we act before we think, and sometimes cannot undo the damage.
Self-control means pausing, understanding what you feel, and then deciding how to act — rather than reacting impulsively. It applies to both negative emotions (anger, frustration) and positive emotions (excitement, joy).
- Stein & Book (2006): "A capacity for identifying one's angry and aggressive impulses, being composed and putting the brakes on angry, aggressive, hostile and irresponsible behaviour."
- Mersino (2007): "The ability to control our emotions so that they do not control us. Includes techniques to regulate emotions, identify and prevent emotional triggers."
- Mangal & Mangal (2015): "An EI ability that provides a shield against the evil consequences of impulsive actions, emotional storms and breakdowns."
In Indian tradition, Sthitapragyan captures this ideal — one who remains calm and composed in both happiness and sadness.
- Self-control is the gateway to EI — along with self-awareness, it is the first step
- Pre-requisite: awareness of your own emotions
- Applies to both positive AND negative emotions
- Enables thinking clearly and taking wise decisions instead of acting on impulse
- Aids self-growth, success, good relationships and achievement
Mangal & Mangal (2015) describe three stages:
Focus on the emotion you are experiencing right now — its nature, intensity, duration and pattern. Develop through: paying attention to physical signs (rapid heartbeat, sweating, blushing), meditation, body scanning, and observing changes in others' behaviour too.
Once you identify the emotion, trace back to find why you are feeling it — retrace the steps to find the trigger. This is like going backwards to find the root cause of the emotional state.
Once you know the cause: (a) take an immediate pause — deep breathing, relaxation, yoga, music, talking to friends; (b) adopt an internal locus of control; (c) positive attitude and optimism; (d) plan ahead to anticipate triggers.
Self-distancing (Kross & Ayduk, 2011) means deliberately creating psychological distance from the triggering situation by thinking about it from an outsider's perspective.
| Type | How | Who | Effectiveness |
|---|---|---|---|
| Non-distanced | Relive event through your own eyes (first-person) | Adults | Least effective |
| Self-distanced | Visualise from a third-person perspective | Adults | Better coping, improved executive function |
| Exemplar | Imagine a character like Batman or Barbie in the situation | Children (all three types) | Greatest psychological distance |
Often we suppress our emotions — fearing we'll be misunderstood, hurt others, or look weak. But chronic suppression can lead to depression. Assertiveness provides the healthy middle path.
Assertiveness means expressing your needs, views, and feelings clearly and firmly — while respecting the rights of others. It is the middle path on the continuum between passiveness and aggressiveness.
- Shy, anxious, fearful, submissive
- Lacks confidence; feels inferior
- Puts others' needs first
- Ignores own needs and feelings
- Fulfils own wishes AND respects others
- Clear, calm, confident communication
- Builds harmonious relationships
- Positive impact on mental health
- Puts own needs first at all costs
- Does not consider others' feelings
- Disregards rights of others
- Forceful and hurtful communication
| # | Strategy | Key Action |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Be Aware of Your Own Emotions | Know what you feel and what you want before you can stand up for it. You can't assert what you don't know. |
| 2 | Be Aware of Others' Emotions | Recognise that others have needs too. Equal respect prevents antagonism and resentment. |
| 3 | Focus on the 5 C's | Be Clear, Concise, Confident, Courageous, and Controlled. Observe both verbal and non-verbal communication. |
| 4 | Practice Assertive Dialogue | Assertiveness takes time to develop. Practice through role play — it depends on context, preparation, and self-assessment. |
| 5 | Be Mindful | Mindfulness of your emotions and behaviours helps you know exactly what you want and how to express it calmly. |
- Self-control = pausing and managing emotions instead of acting impulsively. Applies to both positive and negative emotions.
- Three stages: Awareness → Finding Causes → Adopting Control Measures.
- Self-distancing (third-person perspective) is a research-backed strategy for better coping.
- Assertiveness = the middle path between passiveness and aggressiveness — expressing yourself with the 5 C's.
- Strategies: self-awareness, awareness of others, 5 C's, dialogue practice, mindfulness.
| Term | Meaning |
|---|---|
| Self-control | The ability to control one's emotions by paying attention to them and their impact — so emotions do not control us. |
| Assertiveness | Expressing one's needs, views, thoughts and feelings clearly, confidently and calmly while taking care of the feelings and rights of others. |
| Sthitapragyan | Indian concept — one who remains calm and composed in both happiness and sadness. |
| Self-distancing | Deliberately creating psychological distance by viewing a triggering situation from an outsider's (third-person) perspective. |
| Passiveness | A non-assertive communication style characterised by fear, submissiveness, and neglecting one's own needs. |
| Aggressiveness | A communication style that puts one's own needs first without considering the rights and feelings of others. |